The post I never wanted to write...

The plan was to chronicle my pregnancy journey from start to finish. I hadn't done that with my first pregnancy--though now I wish I had, even if just for comparison's sake.

My son turned 2 in February, which is about the time we started talking about adding another bundle of joy to the Weber household. We were (are) planning on a family vacation to Hawaii in August so we figured we'd wait until we got back. Around June, we decided to go ahead and start trying, figuring it would take a couple months to actually get pregnant. I had just finished my last birth control pack and it was our first month trying. When I was late the first week of July, I was shocked, but excited. I took a pregnancy test on July 7 and it was positive. I told my family on July 8 and that got the ball rolling because my sister can't seem to keep a secret (it's OK. I love you, Emily!). I took a few more tests over the next week and we made an "official" announcement to all our friends on Facebook on July 16 (because we all know it isn't real until it's been announced on Facebook! :0) ).

Unfortunately, but that Friday, July 20, I was in the Emergency Room at Cedar-Sinai. My baby was gone.

It is one of those things you think can never happen to you. It was every pregnant woman's worst nightmare come true and it was just as awful as you'd imagine it would be. I can't even express how thankful I am for my husband. I was a mess, a total wreck. He was my rock. He's the one who called the doctor for me. He's the one who sat with me (when they finally let him out of the waiting room!) and kept me smiling and assuring me it was going to be OK. My mom and dad and sister jumped in the car and came straight up (with a quick stop at Cold Stone first to pick up an ice cream cake. My family knows me too well :0) ). And I swear, you couldn't ask for better doctors and nurses than the ones on staff at Cedars. Seriously, the best.

At my follow up appointment yesterday, my doctor told me that 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. She also said that the majority of the time, there is no explanation. It is the body's way of noticing there is some sort of chromosomal abnormality that formed and the pregnancy would not last anyway if allowed to continue. The body knows what to do, it's pretty miraculous that way actually.

I don't know why this had to happen to me, to my baby. I truly believe God has a plan for everyone and everything that happens. I don't know what it was in the case, and I may never know, but I know whatever it was, He is helping me somehow.

The outpouring of support I received from my friends was remarkable. I was also surprised to learn how many of my friends had gone through the same thing, some multiple times. Old friends and new friends all reached out and offered a hand of comfort, a showing of love. For me, this is huge. Occasionally (OK, all the time), I deal with feelings of unimportance and inadequacy. No doubt feelings left-over from my middle school and high school days, the difference is, now I can deal with those feelings on a more rational, adult, i've-lived-a-little level.

I was overwhelmed with the messages of love and was reminded that a lot of really great people care about me, which is something I've been struggling with believing for some reason this year.

I also find comfort in the idea that my baby is in heaven waiting for me someday. And to my friend Britni, I love the idea that our babies are hanging out up there together looking down on their mommies :0)