Embracing the Nausea

I wish I had remembered to keep track of everything when I was preggo with JJ. Its hitting me, all the things I don't really remember. Like the nausea. I remember having it. I just don't remember exactly when or the pattern or how bad it ever got. I don't think it ever was terrible. I didn't throw up too much, just some mornings.  I remember being happy when it was over.

 

Everything I've read says most women don't start really feeling pregnancy symptoms until around the 6th week and that sounds about right, but I gotta say I've already been feeling the nausea. It isn't terrible, but I've definitely stocked up on my supplies from my first pregnancy: Ginger Ale (.88 each when you buy 4 at Ralphs, so I scored on that one), Lemon drops (I've suggested this to other pregnant friends and it never seems to work for them, but it did for me, so there you have it), peppermint candies (my previous OB/GYN suggested this me. It helps with the excess saliva as well as works as a calming force on the stomach acid) and Tums (these were my lifesavers before. A little bit during the beginning of the pregnancy but a lot in the final months).

 

This time it is different, though. When I was pregnant for those few short weeks in July, I didn't feel sick at all. Not once. This time, the nausea is reminder that I am carrying a life inside me. It reminds me that I was blessed with this child. I am fully embracing the nausea this time around. It is a sign that I am pregnant and I count it a blessing.

 

This time is also different in that I am showing already. That was another sign before I took the test. It is true that you show earlier in your second pregnancy (since your uterus and stomach muscles are already stretched out, once the pregnancy hormones kick in, your uterus/stomach automatically start to take on their round shape. It is like blowing up a balloon that's already been blown up before) and I am no exception. I can still wear regular shirts, but I've already taken to wearing maternity pants for comfort. If this keeps up, it is going to make it pretty hard to keep this pregnancy under wraps until December. Maybe I should invest in some large briefcases to carry around with me. Or would it be too weird to carry a laundry basket to work? 

Best Anniversary Present ever

I don't like to brag, but I like to think I gave my husband the best anniversary present ever (actually, it was for both of us).

 

As you know, we've been trying for a few months now to get pregnant. We had one unsuccessful pregnancy in July and since then its just been a waiting game.

 

I've been tracking my days religiously, calculating time days. I had a system down pat. We had a schedule and we were going to keep it no matter what. I've never been so in-tuned with my body.

 

I was also still pretty cautious. I'm not a fan of disappointment (who is?) and that single line on a preggo test is about as disappointing as they come. I'm also not a fan of waiting, but I was resolved to not take a single test until after I was supposed to get my period. No matter how much I wanted to know, it wasn't going to happen. I was going to wait so there was no question.

 

For a few days starting, I don't know, October 16 or 17, I was feeling very blah. I was tired a lot. Falling asleep when I got home from work and then falling asleep for the night around 8:30. I have a lot of half-watched shows on my dvr right now. It is not totally unusual for me to be tired since I work such crazy hours (5am to 1:30pm), but to take a nap and go to bed early is a bit excessive. I was also hungry all the time and just generally not feeling well. I knew it in my gut that I was going to get a positive test.

 

The timing was great, actually, because it was Thursday night and the next day was my 4th wedding anniversary. My husband was out watching the Thursday night football game. I knew it was early (I wasn't due to start my period until Monday) but I thought if it came out negative I'd just go back to the original plan and try again on Monday. If it was positive then Great! It turned out to be positive. And not just a faint is-it-there-or-not second line, but it was an instant dark no-doubt-about-it second line. Honestly, I was surprised. I wasn't really expecting a positive, but I was elated! I was also kinda glad my husband was not at home because I don't know if I would have been able to keep it a secret from him until the next day.

 

Friday morning I took another test (the box came with two: one regular and one digital). I took the digital test Friday morning and of course it was still a "+Yes" and I was just as elated. I put both tests in a little envelope I made and attached a card for my husband telling him Happy Anniversary. Inside I wrote a note and said, "I can't wait to make the three of us four."

 

He called me at work and was so thrilled.

 

We are feeling so blessed right now!! But it is going to be hard to keep it a secret until after 12 weeks... That seems so far away!

Pregnancy memories

One of the things I really I'd done when I was pregnant with JJ was to keep some sort of log or journal of my pregnancy memories (especially since I suddenly can't remember anything about being pregnant the first time!) So when I found out I was preggo this time, I started to journal this pregnancy. I hadn't announced anything yet, so I saved up my posts.  As I should have expected, I completely forgot to post the saved blogs!! So I'm posting them now. I really think I'm going to enjoy having these pregnancy memories.

Another important political discussion...

I would like to preface this by saying that I'm going to try not to make this an "angry rant" because it is a subject that is very important to me and it is a hot button issue all over the country right now.

 

Recently two politicians (a congressman and a senate candidate) have come under extreme fire/scrutiny for commenting on their believes on pregnancies that result from rapes. The most recent comment was that if a rape results in a pregnancy, it was God's Will.

 

This politician immediately came under fire. People (including someone I know) called him the "worst person in the world." Why? Because he believes life begins at conception and values human life? Gee, what a terrible person, especially compared to the murders and drug lords and genocidal leaders and the Taliban, for crying out loud. He is being practically nailed to the wall for what he said. Guess what? He didn't say that the rape itself was God's Will. I can't believe anybody would actually think that he believes that. He was saying that if after all that goes on in such a terrible situation as rape, if a baby is conceived, it is just as much a miracle than if a man and woman were actively trying to have a baby. Like Paul Ryan said, a life is a life regardless of the circumstances of how it came to be. 

 

When I lost my baby back in July, it was awful. People rallied around me saying how sorry they were, including many who don't believe what I do. If people think that at 6 weeks I only lost a group of cells, not a baby, why would they be sorry for me? Not a life, not a big deal, right? Why is it that if a woman miscarries it is a truly sad thing, but if she aborts, its exercising her woman's right? So a note to all: I too believe that begins at conception, so I guess that makes me a terrible person as well...

 

The other politician started a scandal when he said that it is unlikely that a rape would result in pregnancy. I don't know if that's true --I'm not a doctor-- but this was also not a new statement to me. I had heard many times in my life that the conditions of a forcible rape (the adrenaline, the stress, the fear) are not ideal conditions for conception. Again I don't know if that's true because my medical training is non-existent, but it sort of makes sense to me. Along with all that, the timing would have to spot on, you know what I mean?

 

Let me expand on that. As any woman who has gone through Trying To Conceive can attest, myself included, the conditions for pregnancy are very specific and particular. The parameters that must be met are limited. The average woman of prime child-bearing years has one cycle every month. In that month, there are only 1-2 days when she actually ovulates. Depending on age and health, most women only have about a 20% chance of getting pregnant each month. The older you get, the lower your chances are. Women trying to get pregnant count and calculate until they can't stand it anymore. It takes the average couple 6 months to conceive.

 

Here's some more biology for you: Tens of Millions of sperm enter the female body. Most of those will die or get "lost" along the way (insert cheesy man vs. directions joke here). Then the sperm have to choose between two fallopian tubes and hope they get the right one. Then once the sperm reaches the egg (FYI: there are only about 100 left at this point, out of the initial tens of millions), they have to find a weak spot in the egg to burrow into. The odds aren't great. This video is a bit dramatic in the narration, but it explains it well.

 

So, pushing the emotional/hormonal stuff going on in your body during a rape aside, the rape itself would have to occur within a day or two of ovulation and the sperm would have had to find its way to the egg and penetrate the egg itself in order to result in pregnancy. I'm not saying it wouldn't happen, but I am saying the chances are small so I really don't think that should be the definitive argument for the legality of abortion. No website will offer hard statistics because they are so hard to prove, but I really don't think the majority of abortions are because of rape or incest. I just don't.

 

I know this isn't a popular opinion, but it's mine and I own it. I am tired of people, especially other women, making women feel like they are casting aside their womanly duties by not supporting abortion. I will never support abortion, to be honest with you. I never feel like it is OK to kill a child, in or out of the womb. In fact, I told my husband if it ever came to that, choosing between me or the baby, to always choose the baby. Rape is a terrible and tragic thing that should never happen, but it isn't the baby's fault.

 

People got upset when certain states passed a law that required an ultrasound before an abortion. Were they perhaps upset because they would see a living being? They don't want to know that a heart is beating and the organs are forming and the baby has a brain and a central nervous system and cardiovascular system and fingers and toes and CAN HEAR YOU.

 

OK, I think that is all for now. I'm sure I can say more. I could talk about this all day. I'm not trying to change minds (though if I helped, that would be great), but I am trying to make sure that my opinion and those like mine are just as respected as people who disagree. People need to stop putting others down for what they believe just because it is different. It is a threat to the freedom of speech and that is a dangerous territory to be getting ourselves into.

Ten Years: Part Two

As promised, a follow up:

Things I took away from my 10-year reunion (which I believe was a complete success, by the way. Everyone really seemed to have a good time and we had a somewhat good turn-out. It was small-ish when you consider how many people didn't come, but I think it was a good size group):

1. Spanx and Little Black Dresses are the Photoshop of real life (myself totally included.)
2. Ten years is a long time in some aspect, but not long enough in others.
3. Those I genuinely liked and considered friends and have fond memories of, (outside of my regular group of that I hung out with all the time, that is), I still feel the same about them. I truly enjoyed seeing them and catching up (I was going to list names, but I was afraid to leave someone out, so I hope you know who you are!).
4. There were a lot of people not there that I haven't seen in a long time and I wish had been there
5. The people who didn't really talk to me much in high school, didn't really talk to me at the reunion either but I'm OK with that.
6. I'm starting to think my memories of high school have grown slightly distorted over the years, but it is all starting to go back into place now.
7. I don't know what's more disappointing: discovering the guy you had the biggest pull-your-hair-out-in-love-with crush on turned out to be kind of a jackass, or looking back and realizing he probably always was.
8. I not only miss, but truly TREASURE the really good times I had (Float parties at the Taylor's, homecoming decorating, spirit week, donkey basketball games, basketball stats with my girls JoAnna and Brittney, driving Mr. Goedhart crazy in choir, "babysitting" at the Natural History Museum with Kristen, Joey and Devon... I could keep going, I'm sure)
9. I experienced some not great things in high school and I used to say I hated it, but now having been out for 10 years and having the experiences I've had, I don't know if that's actually the case. I didn't love it by any means, and there was quite a bit I wish I could have changed, but I had some really great friends and enough happy memories that it would be wrong of me to say I hated it.

Ten Years: Part One

Ten Years...

Confession: My high school reunion is on Saturday and I am pretty nervous. OK I'm terrified.

I wasn't the popular girl in high school, not by a long shot. (I wasn't exactly a loser either, for the record. At least I hope not.) My fear is that I was forgettable.

During one of our reunion planning meetings (yes, I somehow found myself on the committee and surprisingly enough have enjoyed it. Although, side note: Planning a reunion is much more stressful than planning a wedding.), someone mentioned a name I hadn't thought about in years (probably 10) and I thought "Oh my gosh, I totally forgot about her!" Then another thought occurred to me: What if that's me? What if I'm the girl people say "I totally forgot about her!" when they hear my name?

I had a lot of self-confidence issues when I was in high school. I guess a lot of people do, but still, it was big issue for me. When I graduated and started living my life out of my little private school bubble, I met a lot of people who knew nothing about me from before. I was able to recreate myself, if you want to put it that way. Or maybe even be more of my true self, which is probably more accurate. I made a lot of friends and my self-confidence soared. I still feel better about myself than I ever did before.

The problem? It is very easy for me to go back to the self-doubting, self-defeating girl I once was, to slip back into that routine. Especially when I am surrounded by my past. The memories alone of how I felt are enough to do it. The biggest thing is, nobody ever really made me feel this way (well, not nobody but that's another story or two altogether). This was pretty much all me. All me not feeling good enough. All me feeling down on myself because I didn't look a certain way or wasn't invited to certain activities. All me for comparing myself to others CONSTANTLY. I'm really glad my husband is going to be there with me, because when he looks at me, it brings me back to reality and I can brush off the old stuff knowing it doesn't matter anymore.

I had a really good group of friends in high school and even friends who weren't in my regular group. I'm sad that I didn't stay in better touch with more of them (except for Jen Westerbeek, who I of course stayed in touch with. She's been one of my best friends--if not my absolute best friend--since we were 10 years old. Can you believe we've been friends for 18 years??!! And now our kids are friends!), but I'm really excited to see them all.

There are a lot of people not going that I really would have loved to see and spend time catching up with and I hope you know who you are (assuming this is being read by anyone... oops, there goes that confidence thing again!)

This blog was "Part One" so I'll try to do a follow up after the reunion. Hopefully it'll be of the "See, I had nothing to worry about" variety :0)

The Two Week Wait...

This a thing, apparently. The message boards, in all their acronym-y glory, call it "TWW" (I had to look it up, as I do all those acronyms: DH, DS, TWW, BFP, BFN, TBO, BD. Seriously, who knows this stuff?) The Two Week wait is the time between when you start ovulating and when you can take a pregnancy test.

And it's torturous.

As you may know, a couple months ago I lost my baby at 6 weeks. It was awful. The good thing is, as far as miscarriages go, it was early and it took care of itself, meaning I didn't have undergo any procedures. My doctor told me I was pretty much the picture of health and we could start again after my next cycle. She then said that could come anytime in the next 3-8 weeks. It goes without saying I was pulling for 3 weeks. My son (DS? Did I get that right?) is 2 1/2 and we are definitely ready for another little blessing in our home. It came 6 weeks later. In the meantime, we were trying really hard not to get pregnant again because you don't want it to happen too soon.

I was really excited when it was time to start trying again. I was also, and still am, extremely anxious. What if we didn't get pregnant this time and we have to do it all over again? What if I do get pregnant this time, but I lose the baby again? It was such a terrible thing to go through, I don't know how I would handle two in a row.

So here I sit and wait. I'm about halfway through my Two Week Wait and all do is sit and try to remember what it was like when I was preggo the first time. When did I start to feel sick? How soon before the test did I feel different? Did I feel different at all or was it later? I realize I don't remember anything! All I can do is have hope and pray that God will do what He knows is best. I can find comfort in that at least...